Leap of Faith?

Good grief. I haven’t touch this space in ages and it seems as if so much has happened. We’ve had CNY, Lent has started, Sam and Hele got hitched, my family and I finally went to claim our Party staycation package at Hotel Jen, it’s a leap day tmr, and what’s next? March to be reavealed. Hahaha, get it? Much to be revealed…

CNY didn’t feel like CNY this year. Or at least I got through CNY feeling like it was just another Public holiday without much to talk or be excited about. It kinda lost most of it’s meaning the year after grandma passed on. I still remember all the hype and excitement leading up to CNY at her place with all the relatives gathered around a 3 room flat when ah ma was still alive. But now, the feeling is nothing more than just a memory.

Totally out of point but brings me to my main point, I enjoyed reading  Dr Lee Wei Ling’s article on the Pursuit of Happiness which was published on the ST last week. I found myself agreeing to her article which is pretty much summed up with this- the more you try to pursue Happiness, the more evasive it is. Therefore, seek contentment instead. At the very least, that is within your control. And my thoughts were further acknowledged after watching a documentary called Born Into Brothels this evening. You could watch it on Netflix if you haven’t. The documentary really tugged at my heartstrings seeing how those young kids have accepted filth and poverty into their lives because it was the way they grew up with. And this inspired me to do something interesting… Something which I’m not bold enough to jump onto the idea quite just yet, but I can assure myself that I will share my happiness and contentment with the less privileged.

This week hasn’t been a totally great week for me because of a couple of minor hiccups here and there. But I’ve come to understand the power of the human mind. Never ever underestimate it. How you feel towards a negative situation can be instantly changed by the way you view it and the way you feel towards it. Though I agree that the heart and mind work in separate ways at times, I have to say that the mind does take precedence most of the time. And that is known as the art of concealing. If you can conceal, choose to forget, and sweep it under the rug impermanently, it makes a difference during that moment. While it doesn’t solve the issue, it alters the way you look at things. And having been thrown shit so many times in my 25 years on earth, I have to admit that it helps All the time (and i really mean all the time) when you acknowledge and believe in the existence of a much greater and omnipotent one above. Somehow it makes your trouble seem so small and that one day, this problem will turn to ash, the way you were fashioned into life.

So, instead of blindly chasing Happiness in a world that is every changing – be it people or events, I have decided to seek contentment and be happy with wherever I’m swimming. And contentment (though it should be sheer happiness since everyone suffers from Monday blues) starts from me appreciating my off day tmr where I’m finally able to sit down and have a weekday dinner with my family without them waiting for me nor me having to eat alone. And this struck me today when this happened:

Mom (t0 dad): We shall have dinner earlier tmr so that we can go for coffee at toastbox tgt after that.

Mom (to sis): What time can you leave tmr? Can you come back on time so that we can have dinner tgt as your sister isn’t working

Mom (to me): It’s your off day tmr right? Good. You can finally have dinner with us.

This makes me extremely guilty and to some extent, heartbroken because of all the times I’m “forced” to not be able to sit down and enjoy a weekday dinner together with my family all thanks to my job, where I’m usually only home after 8 (which is actually considered early for me as I’m only home around 8:30 on average). And by the time i’m home, my whole family would have been done with dinner and their daily dinner conversations. As such, I’m usually the last to have dinner… on my own. As much as I’m always the last to eat, mom will always choose to sit at the table with me while I’m rushing to chew those leftover food which she had portioned out and left for me – pieces of fatty meat, an entire fish, my favorite parts of the fish, and the nourishing soups which she takes hours to boil in the pressure cooker, thoughtfully pre-heated whenever i’m at Kovan and I’d text her just so she could heat up the soup for me on time. I’ve never said this before but I can imagine her thoughts while everyone’s picking their favorite part of the chicken and her mind is set on keeping my favorite parts for me. And I really appreciate her gentle subtle ways in accompanying me at the dining table dropping snippets of what was shared over dinner, whether is it a new rumor or an updated one which I had missed out, just so I won’t be having dinner alone all by myself. And for every time that I come home to a solo dinner, I will always question myself this, is it even worth it to be slogging so hard and give up time that can never be replaced especially since my parents are getting old…

Just how should I go about making a change with a situation like this? Think belle, Think. And change. Which is more important?

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With my dearest niece and nephew

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