A dream I’m living

Last night, I dreamt of you. It was painful on my part – to watch you come back into my life, then leave without a choice again. I revisited the exact grief and heartbreak that acquired my body and soul almost 3 years ago.

It’s been awhile since I thought of you voluntarily. It’s one of those thoughts I try to push away and accept that it has already occurred. I do get reminded of you in my everyday life. I see you in so many places, so many people; the food I eat, certain food especially – and how you used to so willingly cook them so well for me. These images set my mind for a time travel back to where you were. They send me back to the days when we coexisted – where I could call you and see you, as and when I wanted, without you leaving as and when you needed (how I so foolishly took them for granted)

But I keep those thoughts fleeting, I try to. I struggle to fold these thoughts back into a suitcase just like a piece of dress. I always attempt to avoid them. I seek to cease unfolding these thoughts further before my memory triggers yet another episode of sorrow and agony, which many a time leaves my eyes all red and teary – like the day I cried so hard for you to come back to my side.

The dream kept me awake. I couldn’t go back to bed again knowing that you’re already on my mind. I get bugged by the same repetitive questions again. Where are you? Are you in Heaven? What’s Heaven like? Are you already with our Lord? Unanswered

I hope we meet again soon somewhere in my dream. I realize accepting your death is not a one-off thing. It’s a journey. It’s a prolonged treatment that requires constant fixing and repairing (of the heart). There are days when I get prompted to cry at the thought of you, but there are days when I do not think of you and find you safely kept in the locket of my heart.

I miss and love you fondly, my dearest Ah Ma. Always praying for you wherever you are, and wherever I am.

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